Irritated

Ever wake up in a foul mood and then reinforce it thinking about everything that isn't going smoothly? I'm irritated at myself because:

• I am spending way too much time each day playing Words With Friends; the "hit" I get when there are plays waiting for me is similar to the hit I got opening email each morning when I was working
• I haven't exercised like I promised myself and now I am running out of good weather here to be able to do it outdoors; I can't for the life of me (interesting choice of words) find the motivation

And I am just plain irritated because:

• I am having to chase a couple coaching schools for my survey and it feels too much like work
• I am having to learn the technology behind SurveyGizmo and it scares me since 1) I am paying to use it and 2) I get one shot at the survey

Wish I hadn't made the commitment for the survey and book at this point as I am finding I still need to just screw around and do whatever I feel like. I underestimated my need to rest and just relax with no goal. Who would have ever guessed that what I really needed was to be unproductive? (Probably everyone but me!)

books

I continue to purge, clean and organize so I tackled my office bookshelf yesterday. I donated 179 books to our local library and tossed a 3 foot high stack of binders and conference handouts. It is interesting to notice what I kept:

• several core coaching books that I think I may need as reference for my book
• 3 psychology books
• a single copy of the book for which I wrote a chapter in 1996; donated the extra copies that will soon end up as landfill, but I couldn't bear to toss them
• two Tarot books and two decks of Tarot cards
• an exercise and diet book (out of a weird sense of obligation)
• an entire shelf of books focused on using narrative and/or dialogue to develop and/or heal
• travel books for Maine and the west coast
• two assessment binders: Personal Directions and CCL's suite of 360s
• 3 books on publishing a book
• 2 genealogy books
• dictionaries including a medical dictionary from my pre-med days. a thesaurus, Merck manual
• 2 fiction books that I've yet to read!
• field guides for identifying birds
• a shelf dedicated to "inspiration"--some poetry, 2 Julia Cameron books, two Patti Digh books, one little book entitled What I Learned From Children's Books
• a few gardening books mostly for reference photos for art; I don't weed!
• jewelry and art books
• a shelf of journals--some empty and waiting, others with sporadic entries whose content would embarrass my kids
• 9 books on aging
• 7 books on what I'd label as human development
• only 6 books on retirement (there used to be 3 shelves!)
• yearbooks

Shel said, "I can't believe you are giving so many books away. They contain everything you've learned over your career." He's wrong. I can give them away now because I realize that they only served as a catalyst for my own thinking. What I learned came from my experiences, insights and reflections. It will be in my brain as long as there is room.

The freed up spaces on the shelves now house family pictures and art and there's SPACE for whatever comes.

A sign

I told everyone I knew when I retired that when the next big thing emerged, I would know it. It's been weeks. I followed a semi yesterday and saw a sign that said, "Earn your commercial trucking license in 30 days." Pretty sure that isn't it!

Seriously, what if? What if nothing big comes? I'm beginning to think that "big" might look very different than it has in the past. Interesting.