the voices

Followers of this blog are going to think I had a psychotic break! The message I'm getting lately is "take your time." I have several opportunities brewing for work post-retirement but I am not committing to anything. Several months ago the thoughts of having an open calendar really made me anxious. Now it feels like fresh air. I trust I will know the right thing when it shows up. In the meantime I am following my own advice and just taking care of myself. What a luxury to have this sense of openness to fall into.

Drained

I went to Oklahoma over Easter weekend to attend a party for a cousin who has prostate cancer that metastasized to his bones. The party itself was fun and he appreciated seeing me. Going there was definitely the right thing to do but I have been emotionally drained since then and I don't think it is directly related to telling him good-bye. This sounds really out there but I've had an overwhelming sense of someone stroking my hair and saying, "just rest." And resting is about all I can do. I'm exhausted.

I went from Oklahoma to a conference in Santa Barbara with coaching colleagues. Normally, I love the networking, but found myself putting people in two camps--those I would make the effort to stay connected to and those I would probably not see again. The sorting process made me sad. This seems to be a period of discernment for me where I am getting very clear on what and who is important to me. I hate to use the word "outgrowing" because it sounds like I am "better than" or "superior to". I don't mean the word in that sense, but I do feel I am outgrowing people and things in the sense that they no longer fit for me.

The Hudson Institute calls this transition phase "Cocooning". The old self dissolves before it can re-organize into something new. I sense that it takes a tremendous amount of energy to turn a caterpillar into a butterfly. Right now all I can do is "just rest".